Thursday, 27 April 2017

THE TRUTH.

Truthful.

Being truthful. Open. Honest.

Honestly, medicine has made me hate learning. I used to love learning, teaching and even more so, revision. I used to love finally grasping concepts and finally putting them into action.

I feel like I'm lost. I feel like I'm in a position that I can't break out of.

I've picked the wrong university to do my dream course and that is something I will always regret.

I've forgotten why I chose medicine. I've forgotten the passion I had for the subject, the meaning and the life. I've forgotten the love and the reason and without that I'm nothing.

I feel like I'm a broken shell of a person being dragged out with the tide in the storm of a century about to descend the deep abyss. Okay maybe that's a little too much but I feel very alone.

I have everyone around but not the people I want. Because the people I want, want nothing to do with me. The people I want don't seem to care.

I've come to accept that after these exams I will honestly, hand on heart, be happy where I am.

If I pass I will be excited for next year. Next year will be my year to do something that I love and I will rock it. I will be learning all about a topic that sparked my dream to be a doctor when I was six years old and then I'll be in clinicals. I'll be finally enjoying all the hard earned opportunities.

If I fail, I will accept it. Whether I have the opportunity or not, I will not resist the year. Right now all i can picture in my head is feeling absolute and total relief. I'm not sure my life is worth this much stress. I'll be able to be a nanny or a childcare assistant and maybe finally own a nursery of my own. I'll have so much more free time. Perhaps start a dating life and in the future, I'll be able to actually spend time with my children and babies and see them grow up and spend time with them without sacrificing and spreading myself too thin.

Perhaps I'll be happy. Perhaps it'll work out.

So for whatever happen, I'll be okay. I'm ready to accept the things I cannot change without killing myself in the process.

The NHS is not the place I once thought it was. It's not the sanctuary and save haven I dreamed of working in. It's not the life I wanted.

So to the longest three years of my life, goodbye. Good riddance. Farewell. Bon voyage.

To anyone else about to begin this journey, be ready for the toughest couple - hopefully - of years of your life but most of all, try to enjoy yourself and good luck!

Ps. I am so sorry if any of you really are about to start Medicine and UCL. I'm sure you will rock it like every single one of my friends. Obviously, it's much harder than I ever anticipated and I didn't realise what I was signing up for before I spent three years struggling through, wadding thigh deep in water.